Lovely Rita

To the lovely - your spirit lives on in all of us!

When my Uncle Jim passed away last year, I wrote a blog about "Death and Dying." He discovered a lump on his neck, which turned out to be metastatic esophageal cancer. My Aunt Rita also had cancer but hers started in the colon and was slower growing and initially responded to treatment. CEA levels were up, started chemo, CEA levels went down, stopped chemo, CEA levels went right back up, started chemo, and CEA levels came back down. Rita rode this rollercoaster for the past 3.5 years and finally the ride ended last night, 8/21/2019 around 7:30 P.M, when she peacefully left this world and was reunited with her brother Jim. I visited Rita the last time I was in Minneapolis and she told me that Jim taught her a lot of not-so-good things in his early life but he did teach her one thing that was good - how to die. She missed him dearly, as siblings do, but watching him give away his dog, go on hospice and pass away in less than two months from his diagnosis was therapeutic for Rita. Jim was remarkably accepting of death and he taught her, and all of us, how to not only accept death but to die with dignity.

Jim, Rita and I in 2018 shortly before Jim passed

From the day she was diagnosed at Regions Hospital with stage IV colon cancer and had her bowel obstruction treated with a colonic stent, she could have quit. But anyone who knows Rita knows she wasn't a quitter. She decided the only thing she was going to quit was work (at the U of M) and she was going to step up and fight. She trusted her medical team at HealthPartners and with Colleen by her side, they would go on an incredible journey together over the next 3.5 years. There were bad days and better days, there were sad days and happy days. There were doctors’ visits and chemo infusions but I never once heard her complain. Even when the skin on hands and feet peeled and her hair started falling out, she stood tall, shaved her head, and remained strong up until the end. She made it a point to travel and spend time with Colleen and many other close friends and family. She lived in the moment. I would often ask after she got back from an amazing trip in Ireland or Italy, what else was on her "Bucket List". She always insisted that she didn't have a "bucket list" and that she just took life one day at a time. I think this attitude helped her and those around her enjoy the moments we had with her even though it wasn't always clear if that moment would be the last time we had with her or not. She didn't like having cancer (does anyone really like having cancer?) but she was at peace with the idea that her days were numbered.

Rita and I at Tischer Creek in Duluth, Nov. 2018

Rita always called me, "Kate," like my Grandma Jim. She taught me many good things and the only not-so-good things were mostly things I heard about Rita was at Regina High School, the all girls school the Rocheford sisters attended, and all the pranks she would play on the nun's there. Rita was my godmother and like a second mother to me. She didn't have any children so I tried my best to fill in as a surrogate daughter. While she didn't have to type up my book reports, drive me to soccer practice, or pay my college tuition, she loved me and cared about me deeply. She was more of a close friend and someone I trusted, respected and admired. I used to stop by her house when I was in Uptown visiting friends in college and medical school and we'd hang out on the front porch at 3315 Garfield talking about life - politics, sports, gender equality, Stonewall, global health, the HIV epidemic, upcoming travel plans, my USMLE exams, and general life things.

Rita holding me as a newborn baby

Rita and I in Loring Park the 1980s

As her disease progressed, Colleen and Rita decided to downsize and they sold the house on Garfield Ave. However, the tradition of Rita and Colleen hosting Easter continued. We were fortunate to enjoy two wonderful Easter celebrations as an extended family at their new apartment building on Hennepin Ave in 2018 and 2019. This year was particularly fun as we had a visit from the Easter bunny and all the Rocheford cousins and baby cousins were in attendance (except for my brother Dan). Seth and I rented a room in their building the night before and Theo and Marit helped decorate the party room and dye Easter eggs. We knew it would be our last family holiday together.


Rita and Colleen helping Marit, Theo, Josie and Evie dye Easter eggs, 2019.



Easter bunny, 2019

Rita also loved the cabin and, like my dad, she was usually one of the first adults to jump in and swim out to the raft or trampoline with the kids. This year after getting ice cream in town, we took the pontoon to Sunnyside so the kids could go down the waterslide. A few of us swam out to the raft and next thing you know it, there's Rita climbing up the ladder. We lined up and grabbed each other’s hands and on the count of three, we all jumped off together - a memory I will never forget! Moving back from Seattle to Minnesota in 2017 meant that we could spend more time with family, especially around the holidays and at the cabin, and it is memories like this that make me so happy we made the move.


Jumping off the raft - Rita, Lauren, David, Theo, Marit and Katie, 2019

Rita was also a little crazy. One year she coordinated a 4th of July parade where we all marched down the dock in our swim suits wearing goofy hats and waving American flags singing patriotic songs. She was the keeper of our family’s oral tradition, too, and loved to retell old family stories, like the time she went water skiing from shore and Uncle Jim would drive the boat and "accidently" kill it dumping her right into the weeds. Sibling love at its finest!


Rocheford Family 4th of July at Balsam Lake, 2019

We sat together on her porch eating avocado toast. We knew that this might be our last time we saw each other. She was on hospice and told me this was the "beginning of the end." Her pain was well controlled but she was having very vivid dreams and a little anxiety about dying. She trusted her hospice nurse but I could tell she had lost more weight and I knew she was requiring 24/7 oral morphine and steroids. I brought her a giant llama balloon to brighten her day and remind her of our adventures in Peru back in 2010.


Posing in front of the llama, July 30, 2019

We reminisced about the Amazon jungle and the night walk tour that she refused to go on where we saw a frog the size of a basketball and a serpiente (boa constrictor) as long as a car. We laughed. I cried. I could have stayed there all day and reminisced about so many great times we had together – like standing in the freezing cold watching the Holidazzle parade, or having swim races at their pool in St. Croix, or getting lost in the taxi after going to see the Circuito Magico del Agua when my gringa Spanish clearly failed in Lima, or the nasty smell of guano and the hundreds of sea lions we saw on the boat ride around Ballestas Islas near Paracas, or the relaxing jungle cruise in Tamarindo, Costa Rica just after our wedding where we saw howler monkeys, or taking Theo sledding for the first time in Winter Park, or the whale watching trip on Orcas Island when Marit was a baby. The list goes on and on.


Circuito Magico del Agua shortly before getting lost in the taxi going to eat pizza in Lima, Peru

We talked about my mom's upcoming surgery and the recent storm that damaged the cabin, our trip to Chicago and the incredible Field Museum, my brother moving back from NYC, and my triathlon training. Rita was an exceptional athlete and nearly qualified for the Olympics as a teenager in speed skating. I remember when she used to play softball recreationally but hadn't been involved in competitive sports for a long time. However, she always asked about my training and wanted updated after races or games. She enjoyed hearing about all our athletic endeavors, whether it was swimming, soccer, running, or speed skating. We continued to chat (most me talking and her listening) as a small hummingbird kept coming up to the feeder. He would first hide in her pink hibiscus plant and then hover over the feeder before retreating to the colorful garden and trees down below. It reminded me of being at the cabin on Cross Lake and watching birds feed on Grandpa's feeders from the living room window overlooking the lake when I was a kid.










Rita, who's name comes from the Greek origins meaning "pearl," and another name for Margaret,  has similar roots to my daughter's name, Marit, which is a Norwegian name for Margaret and also means “pearl”. Rita wore pearls on special occasions, including as a speaker in our wedding in 2011. Pearls are a beautiful thing and each one is unique. A natural pearl is formed when a mollusk is damaged or attacked by a parasite and the parasite enters the shell and invades the muscle. The mollusk's muscle then produces a substance that coats the parasite, the parasite dies, and the substance grows into cells that create the pearl. In life we can be happily moving along and then a parasite (emotional, spiritual, physical or psychological stress) decides to attack us. The question is, how do we adapt? Or do we give up? The mollusk forms a protective barrier but it isn't until the invader dies within us that we can use this attack to grow into a thing of beauty or become a better person. Rita faced many challenges in her lifetime - in school, socially, and professionally having to change careers multiple times - but a life that has survived and grown from the result of being bombarded and invaded with problems and difficulties but has chosen to shine becomes a beautiful natural pearl. While our Rocheford pearl has passed on, her spirit will live on in those who were touched by her. I plan to wear my pearl to remember my fun-loving, adventure-filled, peace-making, always-positive, progressive feminist godmother - the lovely Rita Mary Rocheford. May she rest in peace and be free of suffering and pain forever more. Te amo mucho Seniorita Rita!



Paracas, Peru, 2010

Winter Park, 2013



Winter Park, 2013

Winter Park, 2013

Rita and Marit at the lake, 2015

Pike Place Market, Seattle, 2015

Whale watching tour when Marit was a baby, 2015.

Riding the Orcas Island Ferry, 2015

Whale watching boat, 2015

On the top of Mount Constitution, Orcas Island, 2015

Costa Rica, 2016

Cabin fun 2018



Celebrating Rita's birthday, 2018

Ice skating at the lake for New Year's Eve, 2019

Rocheford Family, Easter 2019